My chest feels heavy. My eyes are blurred with tears. My 6 month old daughter sleeps in the bedroom across the hall while I sit and remember the sisters she will never know. I write this on August 25th. The day 2 years ago we found out we were having twin daughters and the same day we found out we were going to lose them. I've felt it coming on the past few days.
There is a part of me that I think subconsciously pushes these memories from my mind because right now...in this moment...life is good. I fear that it will change in an instant, like it did when Allison and Emily were born. It's unfounded, I know, but when you experience loss, in any way, shape or form, there are those thoughts in the back of your mind....what if this happens again?
It is so interesting how and when the thoughts of Allison and Emily come. Most recently, when we were driving to have lunch at a park a few weeks ago. Nothing was said to bring them to the forefront of my mind, but all of a sudden, they were there. My girls and all of the moments surrounding their birth. More often than not, when I think of them, I think from beginning to end and play out the entire scenario in my mind, but it stops when we said goodbye to the them the last time. The moment when I had to hand over their bodies to the nurse in the hospital. I don't think of their memorial service even though that is the one tangible place where I can go and remember them. I think it is because we stand in the confidence of eternity and we are intentional about including their lives in our conversations (to those who know our story). Just last night, Mike and I were wondering if Anna Claire looked like them. Yes. I'm confident that she does.
Their birthday is September 4th. These days in between the 25th of August and September 4th hold so much weight than the other days of the year. It doesn't feel as heavy as it did last year, but a presence I know will be there for the rest of my life.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Whew! It feels like I can finally sit down and breathe. After traveling through 5 different states this summer, we are glad to be at home and have no immediate trips planned. We enjoyed our summer so much; spending time with family,visiting places we had never been before and enjoying it all with our little girl. She did fabulous through it all! And when I say fabulous, I mean, when we went to D.C in July and walked around the city for almost 12 hours, she did not cry ONCE! Later when we spent the night at a different house every night for a week, she woke up every morning with a smile on her face. She ate well and slept well (10-11 hours a night, UNINTERRUPTED!)
Our TV used to sit on an old desk, with all of the cords showing, and the DVD/DVR stacked next to it. We also got the TV as well (thanks to the tutoring $$$). My contribution....this cute knob I found at Hobby Lobby.
Mike is back at school and since he works close to the library we met him for lunch in the library courtyard. I have a feeling this will become a standing lunch date. He misses her so much during the day so to get to love on her for a while in the middle of the day is special.
When we visited my niece last week, my mom drove over from Virginia to visit as well. By the way, my parents just celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary yesterday! After all these years, my dad can still make my mom laugh and she still surprises him with little things (Graeter's Raspberry Chocolate Chip Ice Cream!).
In between all of the trips, the second job Mike took this summer, tutoring some kids from school and working on the lawn, he had time to make this....
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
We are in Ohio right now visiting my niece before she leaves for Hawaii the beginning of September. Jessica has enrolled in the Youth With a Mission program and will be in Maui for 3 months and then off to an outreach (TBD where!!!) in January for 3 months.
We traveled up to say goodbye to her since we won't see her for several months. We enjoyed lunch together at Cheesecake Factory and then hit the shops. I couldn't resist taking a few pictures when we saw these bows!
Anna Claire had her 6 month well visit; she is 13.6 pounds and 23 3/4 inches long! She is the 6% for weight and the 16% for height. The doctor looked her over and said, "she looks perfect!" We started her on cereal this past weekend too. She seems to like it but is still getting used to the spoon in her mouth.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
We are back from yet another vacation (one more trip to go...going to Ohio next week to visit my niece before she heads to Hawaii for 6 months with YWAM).
Our first stop on this trip was to Dalton, GA to visit Granny and Grandpa (Mike's parents).
We got up on Tuesday and headed to Atlanta to visit Casey (aka "Cousin") and Ashley and their son Colten. Colten is 26 days older than Anna Claire. They were so cute together.
On Wednesday we visited Chris (aka "Cousin"--it's a southern thing, I'm learning that all cousins are called "cousin" and not by their real names) and Melanie in LaGrange, GA. Unfortunately none of the pictures turned out well from our visit with them. But Anna Claire played with her 2 more of her cousins, Jackson and Noah.
We headed to Alpine, AL on Thursday where Pop lives. He is Anna Claire's great-grandfather. It's hard to see in this picture, but all three of them share the same color of eyes.
On Friday, we were in Duncanville, AL (outside of Tuscaloosa) to visit Uncle Mickey and Aunt Susie. They have a large piece of land with a barn, pond and tons of room for the family to visit.
MeeMaw (Anna Claire's great-grandmother) rocking on the front porch
That night, Mike's great uncle, Uncle Corky came for a visit and brought his banjo.
Cassie (a cousin) had a loose tooth and insisted that it be pulled. After a couple of tries with dental floss, Uncle Mickey (her grandfather) just pulled it.
On our way home, we stopped in Birmingham to get some Dreamland BBQ.
Anna Claire enjoyed it too!