Tuesday, August 25, 2009

August 25, 2009

My chest feels heavy. My eyes are blurred with tears. My 6 month old daughter sleeps in the bedroom across the hall while I sit and remember the sisters she will never know. I write this on August 25th. The day 2 years ago we found out we were having twin daughters and the same day we found out we were going to lose them. I've felt it coming on the past few days.

There is a part of me that I think subconsciously pushes these memories from my mind because right now...in this moment...life is good. I fear that it will change in an instant, like it did when Allison and Emily were born. It's unfounded, I know, but when you experience loss, in any way, shape or form, there are those thoughts in the back of your mind....what if this happens again?


It is so interesting how and when the thoughts of Allison and Emily come. Most recently, when we were driving to have lunch at a park a few weeks ago. Nothing was said to bring them to the forefront of my mind, but all of a sudden, they were there. My girls and all of the moments surrounding their birth. More often than not, when I think of them, I think from beginning to end and play out the entire scenario in my mind, but it stops when we said goodbye to the them the last time. The moment when I had to hand over their bodies to the nurse in the hospital. I don't think of their memorial service even though that is the one tangible place where I can go and remember them. I think it is because we stand in the confidence of eternity and we are intentional about including their lives in our conversations (to those who know our story). Just last night, Mike and I were wondering if Anna Claire looked like them. Yes. I'm confident that she does.


Their birthday is September 4th. These days in between the 25th of August and September 4th hold so much weight than the other days of the year. It doesn't feel as heavy as it did last year, but a presence I know will be there for the rest of my life.

21 comments:

Kim@Seasons of My Heart said...

Sarah~
What a heartfelt post, giving us a glimpse into your world and heart.

I cannot imagine the pain you've faced...yet...through it all..you faced it with Jesus and he's bringing you through.

What a blessing it is, to have sweet, precious Anna Claire in your life.

Know that I'll be lifting you up with MUCH prayer as you continue walking this journey...reaching days that are filled with MUCH pain as you remember.....

Praying God's PEACE....the peace that passeth ALL understanding, wraps itself around you like a warm blanket!

With much prayer,
Kim~

Carolina Mama said...

Bless your heart. Thanks for sharing - keep sharing your story, their story! I have been thinking of you not sure the date. I think you're right sweet Anna Claire looks like them. :) Love and prayers!

Carolina Mama said...

p.s. Thanks for your recipe! :) I will have to try that version. And glad your a Tony Chachere's fan too! :)

Every Day Blessings said...

I am very sorry for the pain that you must go through as you remember and think about all that surrounds your sweet girls. God knows the ache and He cares, continue to cast all your care on Him and let Him fill with you peace that comes from knowing that He has a Plan.
I am praying for you today.

Amber B. said...

Thanks for sharing your story with us all. You will be in my thoughts and prayers over the next week or so.

Emily said...

Sarah, thanks for sharing something so personal. This was definitely hard to read so I can imagine how hard it must have been for you to write...and to reflect on. They say time heals all wounds but I know...time never forgets. As heartbreaking and as difficult as it is, I have to say I am encouraged to know we never forget. Thanks for reminding us that no matter how painful it may be, we can still take comfort and find hope in knowing our God and still be thankful for those precious gifts He grants us even when we can't hold on to them the way we want. Praying for you and Mike.

Jodee Leader said...

I, too, am so sorry for your loss and pain. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

The Writer Chic said...

Oh Sarah....I've wondered often these past few days that the Lord chose to tie our hearts together even in the mere way of dates. Duncan's EDD is 9/5, and my C-section was scheduled for 8/27. Know that I love you and that my heart is heavy for us both and for our three little ones.

Anonymous said...

This is a perfect example of one of the many reasons I love you. You are willing to share your heart and allow us to rejoice or cry right along with you. I rejoice with you as you enjoy all the blessings in your life, but weep with you as you remember and relive the loss of your sweet girls. Love you! -Addie

Kristen said...

Sarah,

The first post I ever read on your blog was about your girls. As I read today I see how much healing has happened, but also know that there is still pain in rememberance... as well as joy. Knowing the promises of the Father you are able to share your story and for that I am truly thankful.

Your girls will forever be a part of you... and yes, I too think Anna Claire looks like Allison and Emily. As I scrolled down reading... the picture of Anna Claire and those bright, blue eyes caught my eye. Her eyes took my breath away because yes, I felt that I was also looking in to the eyes of your other two girls. Beautful and perfect!

Praying for you and Mike... your entire family as you remember those sweet, darling girls... your daughters.

Amy said...

Sarah--I don't have any of the "right" words to say, but couldn't just read and click away without offering a hug or a prayer or something, just saying, I hear your pain and your hope and I honor your girls' memory with you. May the God of all comfort pour it out on you and Mike over these next several days especially.

Flower Patch Farmgirl said...

This reminds me so much of a post my sister-in-law wrote earlier this week. (Snips & Snails on the sidebar of my blog.) I so appreciate your willingness to share with an open heart! I love it when Jamie talks about my little niece, who is surely playing up in Heaven with your precious gals as we speak!

Jamie Moyer said...

Oh Sarah, I'm so glad that you found my blog this day and that I now have found yours! I think that a lot of our thoughts are interchangable, in fact I know I have before wrote or spoke some of the same things you have here. Life is so different after such a significant loss but how good to know that we have the assurance of Heaven for our girls. Thank you so much for sharing your heart today and know that I understand the heaviness you feel now.

Jennifer said...

What a sweet glimpse into your mommy's heart! Those places in our heart where we can't help but go...don't want to stay and yet don't want to leave! What awaits us in Heaven - we can only imagine!

Smelling Coffee said...

Precious Sarah~ I love you and am praying for you and Mike, and will be for the next several weeks. May you feel Jesus carry you through these days ahead with His deep and abiding peace.

Jennifer

Anonymous said...

Hello Sarah, We remember those days so vividly. I remember how many people were praying for you, Mike and the girls. That was a year of so many highs and lows. We all had such a great time at the softball games, graduation and watching how you and Mike glowed knowing that you were going to be parents. There was a lot of love and friendship going around those days. We will be remembering you, Mike and all three girls on the 4th.
Your friends from Hermitage

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you and Mike and Miss AC and your girls who are dancing in heaven Sarah.
Love, One L

Sarah Dawn said...

Sweet Sarah,

My heart aches for you as well. But I know that someday the Lord will wipe away these tears as you dance into His arms with your precious little girls.

I don't always understand, but I am learning to trust as well.

It is an honor to meet you dear one.

Blessings from Costa Rica,
Sarah Dawn

The Busy Blaine's said...

Praying for peace in your heart.

Nicole Baart said...

Sarah, I'm so sorry for your loss and the yearly reminder that the Lord gives and the Lord takes away. I also have babies in heaven--four of them--and it helps me to think of our reunion someday. What a celebration that will be...

Hugs, Nicole

Just a little something from Judy said...

I read this post today and my heart ached for you. My daughter delivered a little girl in the fifth month of her pregnancy, knowing from three days before that she was not alive. I know in a tiny way, the deep unspeakable hurt that you must have experienced. I can't imagine how much deeper the hurt must have been for twin girls. I am so sorry!!

Thank you for sharing your heart today. Sometimes that helps. We can pray for you when God brings you to our minds today.

Anna Claire is beautiful!! We have a little Annie Claire who will be 1 year old soon.